When I look upon an empty page
Interlaced images
Versus an undesirable path
My soul can feel empty
Integrity can seem broken
Success achieved through fakery
Placebo pills to satisfy
I want them to force inside
I'll gladly push with them
To have hands move favourably
Filling in the void on my own terms
Time to move the images
On my watch
What happened to that grand idea I had
The spark of creativity that once compelled me
Where words and form came natural
Yet nothing could be molded in one sitting
Was it the control in other images that halted me
Or the passing of time
I like to think that it's the undesirable path
But I can't be sure
I'm starving myself on so many levels
The smallest of treats now make me sick
They once only used to kill me
Decision that nothing can be truly devoid
That artistry exists in all things
No matter how benign or intrusive
Must be held as true
Distractions fed by touch have to be
For action reaction and emotion will be valid
I've begun the metamorphosis
At first it was painful
But I will have my second stage
It has begun
Only greatness awaits me now
Definitely better, but I'd still cut the first stanza out. You don't need it and it reads as a rather confusing jumble of words that doesn't feel profound but rather rushed.
ReplyDeletePersonally I think you should focus more on the idea of your physical self changing in tandem with your artistic evolution. The most potent stanza is your piece about starvation and it has huge potential to expand.
Fundamentally I think you should try for a wry humoresque slant as opposed to I'M FUCKED AND I HATE IT!!!!
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ReplyDeleteWhilst I feel that the first stanza lacks flow (and quite possibly form) I can see where you're coming from with the negative tone of the piece. Aaah, the dangers of starting poetry when you're angry and pissed off. I really should spend more time editing these things.
ReplyDeleteSorry, failed to address the compliment there, thank you, I reckon I'll do something different on starvation at another point in time.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I say it has potential because you were clearly angry when you were writing it and I don't think it does you justice. It doesn't need to be a Tour De Force, just a re-entry to your writing lifestyle :)
ReplyDeleteAnd please do! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks hun; my ego has been well and truly massaged.
ReplyDelete